


A Little Unexpected

by becausebecca



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Coming Out, Getting Together, Hogwarts, M/M, Marauders, Marauders' Era, slight homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-12
Updated: 2017-07-12
Packaged: 2018-12-01 09:27:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11483511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/becausebecca/pseuds/becausebecca
Summary: Coming out as gay in the 1970s isn't exactly easy. Remus decides to do it anyway.





	A Little Unexpected

It had been hard for Remus to come out. It had been so goddamn hard. He knew that his friends were okay with him being a werewolf and he knew that he didn't need to be so scared, but he was. What if they didn't accept him? It would make everthing weird and there was a realistic chance they had a problem with it since they lived in the same dorm and had to change in front of each other and everything.

But Remus decided that staying in the closet forever just wasn't an option and since his friendship with James, Sirius and Peter would most likely (hopefully) last also after school he needed to come out at some point. And then better sooner than later. At least it wouldn't hurt as much if they rejected him now and not later when he might share a flat with one of them and could be thrown out or something.

It was a rainy day in October when Remus told them. At lunch, he had announced that he needed to talk with them about something serious and that he wanted all of them to come up to their dorm after lunch to discuss it. it's not like he needed to ask for it. They'd probably ended up together in their dorm anyway. 

Awkward silence filled the room. James, Peter and Sirius were looking at Remus expectingly, waiting for him to say the oh so important announcement while Remus glanced nervously down at the floor. A lump was building in his throat and he needed to concentrate to breathe steadily and keep himself from backing out. "Oh, come on, Remus," James pushed, " we already know that you're a werwolf. What could be so bad that you can't tell us, your best friends?" Remus sighed as he saw Peter and Sirius nod in agreement. He just hoped they would still call themselves his best friends after he came out to them.

"It's just... just... I am not straight," he mumbled. His friends looked him more or less dumbfounded. While James looked like a muggleborn who had just seen a hippogriff for the first time, Peter seemed just a little confused and Sirius was staring down at his feet, avoiding anyone's gaze. "What do you mean you're not straight?," asked James. "I ... I swing the other way", Remus added. He couldn't bring himself to say the word gay or homosexual. He felt as if this one word would just tip his friends off and they'd be gone. "I still don't get it," James said. Peter rolled his eyes. "What you are trying to say is that you are gay, don't you, Remus?" Remus nodded and swallowed harshly, looking down on the ground. The air felt heavy around him and it seemed impossible to get enough into his lungs while he waited for a reaction from James or Sirius.

Uncomfortable silence filled the room and every second made the anxiety in Remus worse. He fucked up, he definetely fucked up. He just shouldn't have said anything. Considerig that he would never be in a stable realtionship for a longer time at all, being a werewolf and being gay and everything, he could have just hid any possible love interest from his friends or put them off as nothing serious and there would have never been a problem. But now there was one, and seemingly a big one as well.

James was the one to speak up first again. "Well, fuck me," he said, realizing what he said a second later and quickly adding, "not literally, Remus. But this is a little... unexpected." Remus shrugged, relief filling that his friends, well at least one of them, were still talking to him. It had felt like he was reliving the confession of being a werewolf all over again, but this time his friends didn't know before which made everything worse. Peter nodded. "Unexpected, yes." Remus smiled weakly. He could live with unexpected, considering it could have gone so much worse. Sirius still remained unusually quiet, his eyes still fixed on his feet while he bit at one of his nails. "But you don't have a problem with it?," Remus asked. "I don't know," James answered honestly, "I think my brain didn't process this enough to have an opinion about this. I mean, what is it like?" Remus shrugged. "Just like being straight, I guess, but instead of being into girls I'm into boys." "And you kissed anyone before?" "No, I didn't." Remus felt his cheeks heat up at this confession. He was sixteen and still had never kissed anyone before and it was kind of embarassing for him. "Then how do you know? You could still be straight, maybe you just need to find the right one," James suggested. Remus thought he caught Sirius rolling his eyes but then again he was maybe imagining things over the happiness that they didn't reject him. At least not until now. "How do you know you like Lily without having kissed her before?," Remus asked back. James shrugged. "I just do." "Same goes for me."

"But you won't," James started, stumbling over his words, "you know... Look at any of us that way? Cause that would be uncomfortable, you know." Remus blushed once again. In fact, he had had ... dreams about his friends before. About one of his friends, to be exact. But he knew he had to deny it, otherwise he would throw their friendship out of the window. He was just about to say that he would never think about his friends in a sexual way (Merlin, this seemed at least for Peter and James so absurd, that it was actually kind of ridiculous. Sirius was of course a different thing), when Peter spoke up: "Give the poor bloke a break, James. I think it is hard enough as it is for him without answering all of your questions." Remus flashed a thankful smile at Peter and Peter smiled back. Even though Remus could see that he had the same questions floating in his head, he was just not as outspoken as James was. "Thanks, Pete. And I won't, James. You're my friends, how awkward would that be?" James nodded. "That's what I thought. As long as you don't... you know... I'm fine with it." "Me too", Peter agreed. Great. Now only Sirius needed to say what he thought. And Sirius' opinion was the most important one for Remus as he had a tiny (not so tiny, really) crush on him.

Remus let out a shaky breath. "Sirius?" "I'm fine with it, Remus, don't worry," Sirius said but he was still staring at his feet. "Are you sure. You seem kind of abscene?," Remus made sure. "Yes, Remus, I am. It's fine and it's nothing you can change, so if I wasn't okay with it, I'd be an asshole." Remus smiled and for the first time in the last five minutes Sirius looked up. He returned Remus' smile. "Thank you. All of you. For accepting it," Remus said, his voice still slightly shaking. "You're still you, I guess, so no need to make a fuss about it," James said and the other nodded in agreement.

Afternoon classes were actually much better than Remus thought they would be which was of course linked to the fact that a huge weight was lifted of his shoulders now that he didn't hide anything from his friends anymore. It was weird, really, to know that he didn't need to worry about it. Well, at least he thought he didn't have to worry about it anymore. But in the evening, after they all had left the common room to go to bed, he realized that they treated him differently. Differently as in hiding behind the curtains of their beds to change even though changing in front of each other had never been a problem before since they had done it for years. Or as in not wanting to cuddle anymore when they were sitting together on one of their beds after brushing their teeth, planning their next prank. To say that Remus was hurt was an underestimation but he didn't show it. He should be happy that his friends didn't hate him. And he should be happy that at least Sirius was still normal and really didn't seem to mind at all. He didn't hide or shift awkwardly away when Remus placed his head in Sirius' lap. The opposite actually, Sirius' hands found their way into Remus' soft curls and combed them gently, like always when they did this. 

James and Peter seemed to be a bit taken aback by the fact that Sirius didn't seem to mind at all, but they were nice enough to do not bring it up again. Instead they pretended that everything was normal even though all them knew that James' smile seemed a bit fake this evening and that Peter was clearly trying to keep at least 10 inches distance to Remus. Still, a few things remained the same like always, for example the fact that James was the one to decide it was time for bed. James had always been the mother hen of the group, making sure that they got enough sleep (well, enough by his definitions at least), that Remus didn't pick on freashly healed scars so that the skin wouldn't break again, that Sirius didn't get in too much trouble with the Slytherins when they provoked him again or that Peter didn't forget all of his school stuff in the mornings. Of course nobody brought that up to James, James would have hated them and at least put a hex on them, but when James said they needed to get sleep they went to bed. Period.

Remus couldn't sleep that night. Thoughts were racing in his head, thoughts revolving around the reaction of his friends. They pretended that everything was fine which he was absolutely grateful for. But deep down he knew that they were not comfortable with him being gay and even though Remus knew that they needed time to get used to it so that everything could get back to normal at some point, he was still hurt. He couldn't help the lump in his throat that appeared when he thought about all of this, couldn't help the tears blurring his view and trickling down his cheeks. He just wished to be normal, for once in his life. To be not the outsider. He cried himself to sleep that night, knowing that even if one of his friends was awake they wouldn't come to his bed and cuddle him and tell him that it was okay to cry and that everything would be alright like they usually did when he had a nightmare or when he woke up groaning from pain after a particularly bad transformation. Well, maybe Sirius would have come. But Sirius either had really bad nightmares and needed to be comforted himself or he was sleeping like a stone and nobody could wake him up. There was no in between.

The next day, Remus was the first one to wake up. He changed quickly into his robes and went to the bathroom alone to get ready before the others woke up. Maybe he could go to breakfast early so that the others had the dorm to themselves and didn't need to try to hide tha fact that they were uncomfortable around him. When he arrived in the Great Hall only Lily Evans was already sitting at the Gryffindor table and apart from two third-year Ravenclaws and three Hufflepuff girls, probably first-years, the Hall was completely empty. Lily was reading a book while eating a toast, giving him only a nod as a greeting when Remus sat down but that was just like Remus wanted it. He didn't feel like talking today. Talking yesterday had definetely not been a good idea, so he thought he'd rather avoid any human interaction where it was possible. He poured himself some coffee (luckily the teachers didn't mind letting the students drink coffee, otherwise Remus wouldn't have known how to survive, especially during exam period) and grabbed a sandwich from one of the tablets, pulling out his own book. He knew he wouldn't be able to focus on reading, but at least it wouldn't look strange to other people that he wasn't talking.

Remus was almost done eating when Lily spoke up: "Why are you already here when the others are still upstairs?" "What? Are you missing James' annoying date requests already?" Lily smiled and Remus faked a smile, too. He didn't want anyone to notice cause he wasn't in the mood to explaining what happened and nobody needed to know that he was gay, anyway. It was none of their business. "Not particularly, no. But that doesn't mean that it's weird to see you alone. Did you have a fight?" Why did this girl always know when something was up? Okay, Remus had to admit that it had only ever been a good thing that she knew when something was wrong with him cause she was great at helping him get back on his feet again, but still. Wasn't he allowed to feel sorry for himelf for a while without anyone noticing? "Not really. Too complicated to explain," Remus mumbled. "Okay. But you know you can talk me, yes? I won't judge you for anything and we'll work out something to make things better again, okay?" Remus knew that Lily was genuinely concerned for him and he was thankful for it. But he doubted that it was good thing to tell her right now without any preparation that he was gay and that the others were kind of uncomfortable with it. He nodded to let Lily know he understood and then went back to eating his toast. Lily sighed at Remus stubborness, she was used to it already, but it still annoyed when he wanted to help him, but left him alone.

When Remus returned to their dormitory James, Peter and Sirius were just about to go to breakfast. They seemed surprised and also a little hurt when they heard that he had already eaten and was going to read over his transfiguration essay again before classes started instead of going down to the Great Hall with them again, but it was also obvious that they were kind of relieved to get away from him without actually showing it. Remus didn't actually read over his essay again. He just couldn't stand being around them at the moment. Instead, he packed his school bag and then opened his trunk to get some chocolate. Maybe chocolate would make him feel better. That was kind of a childish belief and Remus knew that, but it was chocolate. And even if it didn't make him feel better, it still tasted good. 

When he opened the chocolate frog not only the usual card of a famous wizard fell out, but also a little handwritten note. Remus recognized the handwriting immediately. It was Sirius'. 

Just thought I'd let you know that they are being dicks and I support you know matter what. You're my friend and nothing can change that. Meet me to talk after lunch outside at the lake?  
Sirius

Warmth spread from Remus' heart throughout his body when he read the note. At least one of his friends was on his side. And that it was Sirius made it about ten times better. Not that it didn't hurt that the others were so awkward and reserved around him but if Sirius had rejected him? Remus wouldn't have known what to do then. With a smile he wasn't even aware of on his face, he quickly stuffed his things into his bag and then left for his first class.

Morning classes seemed to be much longer than usual when James and Peter more or less ignored Remus. Class was a welcomed apology by them to not have to talk to Remus and even though Remus had always complained about how they were distracting and that they wouldn't get his notes later, he missed the banter and laughter from his friends. When lunch time came around, he decided that he didn't want to go and have to see all the concerned glances from Lily and went into the dorm instead, getting into his bed and hiding behind closed curtains until he was certain that Sirius was done eating and it would be time to go to the lake. Sirius was already waiting for him, sitting on the grass and throwing rocks into the lake. He didn't turn his head when Remus sat down next to him.

"You weren't at lunch," he stated. "Wasn't hungry," Remus lied, picking a rock up himself and throwing it into the dark water. Circles appeared at the place where the rock had landed and Remus watched them getting bigger and bigger. "Bullshit," Sirius mumbled; took two crumbled pastries out of his bag and gave them to Remus, "Eat." "Thanks." Remus smiled and bit into the pastry. "Course." Sirius smiled back t him before going back to throwing rocks into the lake. "You know," he said after a while of thinking, "I always wondered whether it was normal to have the feelings about boys that I have." "What?," Remus asked around a mouthful of pastry. Sirius shook his head. "You can be as dense as James and Peter sometimes. And I always thought you were the smart one. I may or may not be... you know... gay, too." Remus eys widened in realization. It made sense now. That was why Sirius had been so quiet yesterday and didn't seem to mind at all that he liked boys. "That's why you're okay with me being gay?" "Yeah. I mean I would accept you otherwise, too, but it probably is a big part. I know that it really doesn't make a difference whether you like girls or boys or both or whatever. As long as you're a nice person." Sirius voice was much quieter and softer than usual and his eyes were still focused on the water in front of him. "You're right. We just have to explain that to James and Peter," Remus said bitterly, "even though they are trying to be normal, everything seems so forced, you know? It really sucks." "I know. I could try to talk with them if you want me to." Remus shook his head. "I'll just wait for a bit. They probably just need some time to get used to the thought." "Probably," Sirius agreed.

But that wasn't the case. Even weeks later nothing had changed (it had gotten worse, actually) between them and it was really wearing Remus out. By now he cried himself to sleep every night, not being able to help himself. Why was it such a big deal to Peter and James that he was gay? They had accepted him as a werewolf, for fuck's sake, telling him that it wasn't his fault that he had been bitten and that they would take care of him after full moons, they even became goddamn animagi for him. Was being gay then that much of a problem? On the upside Sirius and him had become very close over the last few weeks, almost spending every minute together while James and Peter did their own thing. But the loss still hurt a whole lot and Remus wasn't good at concealing it. He had no problem with hiding physical pain, since he was already used to it, but emotional pain was something different. Lily had started to ask more questions after the first week and Remus did everything to avoid her. Of course that just made her more suspicious and one fateful evening, she got a hold of Remus and Sirius who were sitting in the common room, doing homework. 

"Remus, Sirius?," she asked, "Can I have word with you in private?" Remus was about to decline but Sirius nodded before he could speak up and Lily pulled outside and into a lonely corridor. "What is up between you, Peter and James? You haven't behaved like yourself in weeks and it really starts to worry me." Remus stared down at the floor and shrugged while Sirius showed no reaction at all. Lily sighed, rolling her eyes. "Boys, really. Whatever it is, you can tell me and I'll threaten James that I'll never go out with him when he doesn't pull himself together." Even though both boys knew that this was meant to lighten the mood, none of them could bring himself to laugh. Swallowing harshly, Remus grabbed Sirius' hand for support before starting to talk. He decided that Lily was trustworthy, after all she had done everything she could to help Remus in any kind of situation. "I'm gay and I came out to them a few weeks ago. They said it was fine but apparently, it isn't." He couldn't help the bitterness in his voice and bit back a bitter comment about Peter's and James' behaviour. "I'm gonna kill them," Lily whispered, shaking her head, "I'm literally gonna kill them. This is so stupid. Wait here, I'll be back in a second." And she was gone. "What do you think is she going to do?," Sirius asked. Remus shrugged. "Knowing her, probably come up with a masterplan to show the whole house thatbeing gay is totally normal and acceptable." "Yep, that sounds like Evans," Sirius said. He noticed that Remus' hand was still in his and gave it a light squeeze. "I like this,"he mumbled. Remus blushed, gaze fixed on the floor, but nodded finally. "Me, too."

Before anything more could happen between them (both of them had hoped for it, really, but well, bad timing, as always) Lily came back, James and Peter walking timidly behind her. After stopping, she gave Peter and James a furious look. "I think you guys owe Remus an apology. And after sorting out your priorities, you need to go back to normal. You not really talking to each other and not pulling pranks together is actually creeping out half of our house." Then she stormed off. James avoided Remus' and Sirius' gaze (which wasn't difficult cause they were both staring at their shoes) and scratched his neck, like always when he was nervous, while Peter just stood there, not knowing what to say or to do. "I'm sorry," James started then, deciding that this was much too awkward for his liking, "I really am, Remus. It was stupid and childish to treat you different. I just thought... I didn't even know what I thought." Peter nodded on agreement. "Yeah. It was just so weird to suddenly know that you were gay. It caught me off-guard, you know?" Remus nodded understandingly, even though he didn't actually understand. But he didn't need to. He just wanted his friends back. "It's fine. As long as you stop treating me now as if I was diseased or something." Peter's eyes widened. "Was it really that bad?," he asked, regret and concern filling his voice. Sirius nodded. "Sometimes, yeah." "Fuck. That wasn't what I intended to know. I was just trying to..." Peter stopped suddenly, realizing what he was about to say. "Protect yourself?," Remus suggested. Peter and James both nodded shamefully. "Well, then I am happy to announce that you don't have to protect yourself from me as long as I am walking on two legs and have a human body," Remus said. "And now forget about it. Let's just go back to normal." The others nodded. Back to normal sounded good again.

And when Sirius came out to James and Peter a month later while sitting in Remus' lap and holding his hand, everything was fine, even if it was a little unexpected.


End file.
